Pico’s Perspective: The Other Significant Others by Rhaina Cohen

Who is the first person you want to see in the morning and who is the person you want to talk to before going to bed? For some folks, that is not their spouse or romantic partner. How do you define a relationship that is platonic but exceeds or is comparable to those who are in a marriage? What do those relationships look like? This book The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center by Rhaina Cohen provides insight into other people’s lives and how they make their way through this world that doesn’t have a term for their relationships.

I ‘read’ the audiobook that I got from my local library and listened to it with the Libby app. Visit and support your libraries because libraries and librarians are awesome.

The Book

It has been awhile since I’ve written a book review, but I wanted to share some of my thoughts. This book is right in my wheel-house and I consider it a consciousness raiser. A consciousness raiser is the kind of information that gets you to look at the world differently and provides insight that you carry throughout your entire life. I highly recommend this book due to its impact on me. I’ve learned new terms and have been exposed to new ideas and the book has helped shape some thoughts and feelings for myself that I didn’t quite know how to express.

The book is structured as a series of case studies of different relationships exposed through interviews and personal stories. These stories are interwoven with stories from Rhaina and her intimate platonic friendship with Em. The downside is that the book is a little dry in sections.

Oh, Art. I feel sorry for you.

Of the case studies, one really stood out to me. That was about Art and his platonic partner. Art and his partner were both youth pastors. The difference is that Art is homosexual and his religious convictions have him believe that homosexuality is a sin. His partner is a conservative heterosexual man. While Art acknowledges his sexuality he ‘solved’ his problem by being celibate. This makes me so sad. We are on this planet for so short of time and we experience so much struggle, grief, and pain that denying himself physical relationships breaks my heart for him. Oh yeah, his congregation fired him anyway once they found out he was homosexual.

Challenges for Intimate Platonic Partners

Art and his partner had to overcome some issues. For instance, there is a stigma against men sharing any physical touch other than a handshake or a slap on the back. Intimacy forms through time and touch and society frowns upon men that touch each other. Becoming comfortable with physical affection was a real challenge for his partner. Another issue is that of introducing a new romantic partner to a current intimate platonic partner. How do you set boundaries to protect the relationship or express yourself in a polite way that your current relationship has significance and is a higher priority than your new romantic relationship? Art’s partner had failed starts in multiple relationships because his romantic partners did not understand. We’ll address the legal stuff later.

What is in a name?

“My Person”, “Long term domestic partner”, “chosen family”, or “Intimate Platonic Friend”. Our society does not really have a concise term for same sex relationships that are in a committed relationship that far exceeds the definition of friend. The closest term seems to be ‘polyamorous’ but that also doesn’t fit the behaviors nicely because polyamory implies romantic relationships.

People in today’s society assume that people in intimate same-sex relationships are closeted homosexuals. Conversely, if opposite sex people that have an intimate relationship people assume that they are ‘cheaters’ or having an affair. Without a word to describe the relationship how do you breakdown other people’s assumptions quickly (not that you should need to justify yourself and how interact with people)?

Is modern marriage damaging society?

Things weren’t always this way. Historically, marriages were about merging family interests to elevate the entire group with the hope that love and children spring forth from that union. This meant that a person’s most intimate relationship may not be with their spouse. Before it was common for people to write letters expressing their strong feelings for their friends. Walk hand-in-hand or arm-in-arm. The church even had a brotherhood ceremony. The book adds a lot more detail in the history of these relationships which I found interesting.

Today’s marriages are focused on romance. Our society now has the expectation that since you’ve chosen your partner they need to be everything: motivator; co-parent; exercise partner; financial partner; +1 guest to every event; confidant; and romantic partner. News flash: that is an unrealistic expectation. One person should not be expected to fill every need in your life. Consider that modern marriage may be breaking down our network of support and society. If it is assumed that your spouse is always your +1 guest to an event, do you get a chance to interact closely with others and build relationships? If the expectation is that your spouse also needs to be included in all social and entertainment activities does that allow you to branch out? Do you stay home instead of join an organization?

Personal Feelings

My dream is to be surrounded by people that I love and that love me. Building a community in which we all support each other and build each other up is my idea of an ideal world. Seeing people every day and being entwined in each others lives is what makes life beautiful in my humble opinion.

A couple of times in my life I have experienced intimate platonic relationships and it has been wonderful. However, those did not last and where is the therapist that can help with damaged platonic relationships? There are none. Seriously. In fact, there is usually shame involved when you cannot make a friendship last.

This book exposed me to new terms that resonated with me:

• Frozen grief — a loss that you will never recover from
• Interpsychic grief — the loss of a future that will never be but could have been.

Grief is just love with no place to go.

I mourn the loss of my friends and while that feeling is not present every single day that feeling, when it arises, is similar to that which I feel for the people that have died that I love. A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with depression and I’ve been doing what I can to keep the symptoms under control and ‘frozen grief’ is probably the best way to describe how I feel many days.

The Law

The book discusses the issues where platonic partners struggle with regards to granting parental rights, healthcare access & decision making, and shared assets. Being exposed to the struggles that platonic life partners experience has been really illuminating and made me realize how much the laws grant privileges to married people which cannot be accessed by anyone outside of that designation. Laws that grant special privileges for certain classes of citizens and organizations should be heavily scrutinized.

What rights do intimate platonic partners have? The answer is none. You must hire a lawyer and explicitly state the rights that your partner has in regards to making health decision on your behalf and inheritance to them after your death. Oh yeah, they also need to carry that paperwork around if they are going to be allowed in the hospital. Don’t get sick while you’re on vacation!

Marriage has been codified in our laws and it gives special treatment to citizens that qualify: tax free transfer of assets upon death; authority for health decisions when the partner is incapable; extending coverage of insurance benefits; income tax benefits when filing jointly. The book used a term like ‘social security through marriage’. While other countries have been making changes to more easily define which privileges you can grant others I have not seen the same thing here in the USA. There are some state and local efforts to recognize different relationships like Colorado’s Civil Union Act, but that is not federally recognized, and does not cover all types of relationships like sisters that live with each other.

Default Expectations

If this book has a goal that would be to help change people’s default expectations on what friendship can be. Intimacy that has formed through time and touch brings friends together into relationships that match those for those that have entered marriage. Go give it a read and let me know what you think.